I have a new and dear friend that I actually met because she reached out to me back in December because she experienced the same loss a few years ago. She texted me the other day and asked how I was and if I was out of my '3 month fog.' It's funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Monday, March 11, marked Baby Blake's 3 month birthday and flight into heaven. I am at a point where that day does not just represent hurt and tears, but also joy and strength. As the months go on, it is hard to believe that another 30 days has passed without my babe. However, it marks another 30 days that God has had to show me new things about myself, make me stronger, rely even more on Him, learn patience, learn trust, grow closer with Matthew, and reflect on Blake's short but impacting life. I am able to enjoy everyday things a little more... like genuinely enjoy them. I am thankful for that because I love life and people and experiences, and I was frustrated when I was going through the motions of day to day living but not really feeling the range of feelings and emotions that once felt. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' Psalm 34:18 To say my spirit was crushed is an understatement, but I am so thankful that the Lord stayed by me and held me so tightly. He has continued to give me this wonderful peace and new appreciation on life. '...weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.' Psalm 30:5.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Three Months
The 10th, 11th and 12th day of the month will always mean so many things to me. In January it was painful to think of these days... but now I am able to look at these dates and think about Blake, about how thankful we are for him and for a mighty God that gave us this blessing and gave me the opportunity to carry him, and about how those 3 days changed our lives forever. The 10th was my due date and my last doctor appointment. I looked forward to that day for 9 months. I could not wait for that day to come. That day also marks the day that I found out my baby boy did not have a heartbeat. That day marks probably THE HARDEST DAY of my life. The 11th was the day that Blake was born. What a glorious day - the birth of my beautiful son, but a hard day because it also marks his flight into heaven. I got to hold him and gaze at him and love him, but I didn't get to keep him. Gosh, that was so, SO hard. The 12th was initially the date I would be induced if Blake had not come by then. I thought it would be cool for him to be born on 12.12.12. That day also marks the day I walked out of the hospital without my baby and into what would be my 'new normal.' As the months go by, I do not forget those days but rather they just become much more manageable. I try not to put myself back in those December days because I don't know want to feel some of those emotions that I felt. It all happened so fast and unexpectedly that it is almost surreal.
I have a new and dear friend that I actually met because she reached out to me back in December because she experienced the same loss a few years ago. She texted me the other day and asked how I was and if I was out of my '3 month fog.' It's funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Monday, March 11, marked Baby Blake's 3 month birthday and flight into heaven. I am at a point where that day does not just represent hurt and tears, but also joy and strength. As the months go on, it is hard to believe that another 30 days has passed without my babe. However, it marks another 30 days that God has had to show me new things about myself, make me stronger, rely even more on Him, learn patience, learn trust, grow closer with Matthew, and reflect on Blake's short but impacting life. I am able to enjoy everyday things a little more... like genuinely enjoy them. I am thankful for that because I love life and people and experiences, and I was frustrated when I was going through the motions of day to day living but not really feeling the range of feelings and emotions that once felt. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' Psalm 34:18 To say my spirit was crushed is an understatement, but I am so thankful that the Lord stayed by me and held me so tightly. He has continued to give me this wonderful peace and new appreciation on life. '...weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.' Psalm 30:5.
I have a new and dear friend that I actually met because she reached out to me back in December because she experienced the same loss a few years ago. She texted me the other day and asked how I was and if I was out of my '3 month fog.' It's funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Monday, March 11, marked Baby Blake's 3 month birthday and flight into heaven. I am at a point where that day does not just represent hurt and tears, but also joy and strength. As the months go on, it is hard to believe that another 30 days has passed without my babe. However, it marks another 30 days that God has had to show me new things about myself, make me stronger, rely even more on Him, learn patience, learn trust, grow closer with Matthew, and reflect on Blake's short but impacting life. I am able to enjoy everyday things a little more... like genuinely enjoy them. I am thankful for that because I love life and people and experiences, and I was frustrated when I was going through the motions of day to day living but not really feeling the range of feelings and emotions that once felt. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' Psalm 34:18 To say my spirit was crushed is an understatement, but I am so thankful that the Lord stayed by me and held me so tightly. He has continued to give me this wonderful peace and new appreciation on life. '...weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.' Psalm 30:5.
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