I have a new and dear friend that I actually met because she reached out to me back in December because she experienced the same loss a few years ago. She texted me the other day and asked how I was and if I was out of my '3 month fog.' It's funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Monday, March 11, marked Baby Blake's 3 month birthday and flight into heaven. I am at a point where that day does not just represent hurt and tears, but also joy and strength. As the months go on, it is hard to believe that another 30 days has passed without my babe. However, it marks another 30 days that God has had to show me new things about myself, make me stronger, rely even more on Him, learn patience, learn trust, grow closer with Matthew, and reflect on Blake's short but impacting life. I am able to enjoy everyday things a little more... like genuinely enjoy them. I am thankful for that because I love life and people and experiences, and I was frustrated when I was going through the motions of day to day living but not really feeling the range of feelings and emotions that once felt. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' Psalm 34:18 To say my spirit was crushed is an understatement, but I am so thankful that the Lord stayed by me and held me so tightly. He has continued to give me this wonderful peace and new appreciation on life. '...weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.' Psalm 30:5.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Three Months
The 10th, 11th and 12th day of the month will always mean so many things to me. In January it was painful to think of these days... but now I am able to look at these dates and think about Blake, about how thankful we are for him and for a mighty God that gave us this blessing and gave me the opportunity to carry him, and about how those 3 days changed our lives forever. The 10th was my due date and my last doctor appointment. I looked forward to that day for 9 months. I could not wait for that day to come. That day also marks the day that I found out my baby boy did not have a heartbeat. That day marks probably THE HARDEST DAY of my life. The 11th was the day that Blake was born. What a glorious day - the birth of my beautiful son, but a hard day because it also marks his flight into heaven. I got to hold him and gaze at him and love him, but I didn't get to keep him. Gosh, that was so, SO hard. The 12th was initially the date I would be induced if Blake had not come by then. I thought it would be cool for him to be born on 12.12.12. That day also marks the day I walked out of the hospital without my baby and into what would be my 'new normal.' As the months go by, I do not forget those days but rather they just become much more manageable. I try not to put myself back in those December days because I don't know want to feel some of those emotions that I felt. It all happened so fast and unexpectedly that it is almost surreal.
I have a new and dear friend that I actually met because she reached out to me back in December because she experienced the same loss a few years ago. She texted me the other day and asked how I was and if I was out of my '3 month fog.' It's funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Monday, March 11, marked Baby Blake's 3 month birthday and flight into heaven. I am at a point where that day does not just represent hurt and tears, but also joy and strength. As the months go on, it is hard to believe that another 30 days has passed without my babe. However, it marks another 30 days that God has had to show me new things about myself, make me stronger, rely even more on Him, learn patience, learn trust, grow closer with Matthew, and reflect on Blake's short but impacting life. I am able to enjoy everyday things a little more... like genuinely enjoy them. I am thankful for that because I love life and people and experiences, and I was frustrated when I was going through the motions of day to day living but not really feeling the range of feelings and emotions that once felt. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' Psalm 34:18 To say my spirit was crushed is an understatement, but I am so thankful that the Lord stayed by me and held me so tightly. He has continued to give me this wonderful peace and new appreciation on life. '...weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.' Psalm 30:5.
I have a new and dear friend that I actually met because she reached out to me back in December because she experienced the same loss a few years ago. She texted me the other day and asked how I was and if I was out of my '3 month fog.' It's funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Monday, March 11, marked Baby Blake's 3 month birthday and flight into heaven. I am at a point where that day does not just represent hurt and tears, but also joy and strength. As the months go on, it is hard to believe that another 30 days has passed without my babe. However, it marks another 30 days that God has had to show me new things about myself, make me stronger, rely even more on Him, learn patience, learn trust, grow closer with Matthew, and reflect on Blake's short but impacting life. I am able to enjoy everyday things a little more... like genuinely enjoy them. I am thankful for that because I love life and people and experiences, and I was frustrated when I was going through the motions of day to day living but not really feeling the range of feelings and emotions that once felt. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' Psalm 34:18 To say my spirit was crushed is an understatement, but I am so thankful that the Lord stayed by me and held me so tightly. He has continued to give me this wonderful peace and new appreciation on life. '...weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.' Psalm 30:5.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Memories
It is so sweet to see how Blake's life has even changed the hearts of little ones. We have 8 nieces and nephews under 10 years old and each one of them were so looking forward to meeting Blake. The girls could not wait to hold him, feed him and change his diaper. The older boys wanted to hang out with him while playing video games and could not wait to teach him to play baseball when he got older. Now, that is probably one of the hardest things to deal with when I am with my family...to picture what it would be like to sit and watch all of the kids interact with Blake. I wish for that so much! What a blessed little boy he would have been to be surrounded by all of the 'big kids' that would shower him with love and attention. I was also so thrilled that Blake would grow up with his baby cousin Makinley, who was born a little over a month before Blake's arrival. They even had matching Easter outfits. The things that I was planning then and was so excited about seems so trivial now... but that is just part of being human - planning, dreaming, hoping. I think God gives us those desires and gives us that joy. I think He enjoys for us to look forward to all of those things as long as we ultimately keep our eyes on Him and not get to focused on earthly things.
I want to document a few of my favorite stories and memories to remember them down the road...
We got 11 blue balloons to let go at Blake's graveside in celebration of him. We gave one to each of his cousin's, one for Matthew, one for me and one for Blake. We counted down and let the balloons take flight. All of a sudden one single balloon took off so much faster than the others... we say that was Blake's balloon taking off into heaven as fast as he could get there while saying 'Mom and Dad, I'm fine! Don't worry about me!' Then all of a sudden I hear my precious mom's southern voice scream out 'a 'B', a 'B', it's forming a 'B!!!!!' We all look up and and the balloons formed a 'B' for Blake. I love the signs that God sends us. It is so comforting and such a reminder that this is part of His plan and He is in control. I think God also speaks to his children in different ways. I am one of those people who loves a 'sign' from Him... and I certainly believe this was God's sign to me to help this mother's hurting heart.
(There is a TINY blue speck to the left of the group of balloons... that is baby Blake's balloon that took off to see Jesus!)
The kids loved the balloons. They loved being a part of Blake's day of celebration. On Valentine's Day my sister-in-law, Lisa, told me that she went to the grocery store with my niece, Sarah Lu. Lisa said that Sarah Lu insisted on getting a pink balloon. When they got back to their house Sarah Lu promptly walked out the door and let the balloon go... she said 'Happy Valentine's Day, Baby Blake!' I absolutely LOVE that story. My precious 8 year old niece thought about Blake on her own and wanted to send him love. It just melts my heart.
I made a cd called 'Blake's Mix' - it has songs that I really like to listen to that are helping with my healing. My sister and her kids listen to it quite a bit. She said they were riding down the road singing the songs and Wilson, her 4 year old, said 'Momma, I am doing all I can not to let this one little tear fall out of my eye!' This sweet little one does not understand the full concept of what all has happened... but he knows he was excited about Blake and loved him and now he hurts because Blake isn't here like he was supposed to be.
My sister said the kids always pray for Blake during their bedtime prayers... and that sweet Wilson always prays that he will 'come back to life.' Don't you love hearing sweet, innocent thoughts coming out of a child's mouth? Just precious.
I want to document a few of my favorite stories and memories to remember them down the road... We got 11 blue balloons to let go at Blake's graveside in celebration of him. We gave one to each of his cousin's, one for Matthew, one for me and one for Blake. We counted down and let the balloons take flight. All of a sudden one single balloon took off so much faster than the others... we say that was Blake's balloon taking off into heaven as fast as he could get there while saying 'Mom and Dad, I'm fine! Don't worry about me!' Then all of a sudden I hear my precious mom's southern voice scream out 'a 'B', a 'B', it's forming a 'B!!!!!' We all look up and and the balloons formed a 'B' for Blake. I love the signs that God sends us. It is so comforting and such a reminder that this is part of His plan and He is in control. I think God also speaks to his children in different ways. I am one of those people who loves a 'sign' from Him... and I certainly believe this was God's sign to me to help this mother's hurting heart.
(There is a TINY blue speck to the left of the group of balloons... that is baby Blake's balloon that took off to see Jesus!)
The kids loved the balloons. They loved being a part of Blake's day of celebration. On Valentine's Day my sister-in-law, Lisa, told me that she went to the grocery store with my niece, Sarah Lu. Lisa said that Sarah Lu insisted on getting a pink balloon. When they got back to their house Sarah Lu promptly walked out the door and let the balloon go... she said 'Happy Valentine's Day, Baby Blake!' I absolutely LOVE that story. My precious 8 year old niece thought about Blake on her own and wanted to send him love. It just melts my heart.
I made a cd called 'Blake's Mix' - it has songs that I really like to listen to that are helping with my healing. My sister and her kids listen to it quite a bit. She said they were riding down the road singing the songs and Wilson, her 4 year old, said 'Momma, I am doing all I can not to let this one little tear fall out of my eye!' This sweet little one does not understand the full concept of what all has happened... but he knows he was excited about Blake and loved him and now he hurts because Blake isn't here like he was supposed to be.
My sister said the kids always pray for Blake during their bedtime prayers... and that sweet Wilson always prays that he will 'come back to life.' Don't you love hearing sweet, innocent thoughts coming out of a child's mouth? Just precious.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
His Plan
You know that really cheesy pick-up line that goes something like...
Guy: Hey! Are you tired?
Girl: No, why?
Guy: Well you should be because you have been running through my head all day!
That is how I feel some days. I think about Blake ALL of the time... sometimes to the point of exhaustion. He consumes my thoughts. I think about him when I wake up, when I am getting dressed, while driving to work, while filling prescriptions, while making dinner, when I am with friends, when going to bed, etc, etc. I think about him constantly. I just miss him. I can't help but think about what he would look like at 2 months old. How would he smile at me? What outfit would I put of him for this occasion? How would it feel to hold him and love on him while Matthew and I watch a new episode of Modern Family? How wonderfully amazing it would be to watch my nieces and nephews play with him while we cook out? I think about how different our life would be with Blake here on earth with us and how I would love to share my daily experiences with him.
I also constantly think about what my purpose is and what does God want me to do. I think about how blessed and thankful I am to have carried Blake and that God picked me to be the one to carry him so that His plan could be achieved. However, there are days when I wish I could have fulfilled it without having to lose my child... but I know there is a purpose for this and Blake's life will not go in vain. That precious baby has already changed so many lives and God is already moving me and Matthew to do things for His glory.
Two friends gave me a devotional book after the news of Blake and the devotion on January 11 (exactly one month from his birthday and his flight to heaven) really summed up for me why God gave me this trial, giving me hope for the future:
"Store up comfort. This was the prophet Isaiah's mission. The world is full of hurting and comfortless hearts. But before you will be competent for this lofty ministry, you must be trained. And your training is extremely costly, for to make it complete, you too must endure the same afflictions that are wringing countless hearts of tears and blood. Consequently, your own life becomes the hospital ward where you are taught the divine art of comfort. You will be wounded so that in the binding up of your wounds by the Great Physician, you may learn how to render first aid to the wounded everywhere. Do you wonder why you are having to experience some great sorrow? Over the next ten years you will find many others afflicted in the same way. You will tell them how you suffered and were comforted. As the story unfolds, God will apply the anesthetic He one used on you to them. Then in eager look followed by the gleam of hope that chases the shadow of despair from the soul, you know why you were afflicted. And you will bless God for the discipline that filled your life with such treasure of experience and helpfulness. God comforts us not to make us comfortable but to make us comforters."
Going through something like this lets you experience more emotions than you even know you had. I have felt joy, sadness, despair, heartache, pain, thankfulness, as well as emotions that may not even have a name yet. When I hear of other's tragedies or difficult circumstances whether it be the death of a baby, a 3 year old, a parent, or a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, or an argument with a friend... my heart is opened and I feel this need to help them. I do not know exactly what they are going through, but I can guarantee you that I have felt or am feeling one of the emotions that they are feeling. I know that even though when you are at your lowest God is right by your side. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' (Psalm 34:18) Because I know this firsthand, God has been tugging on my heart to help others. Even though I am not in their shoes, I have experienced one of the most difficult trials of life and I believe that God gave me this tragedy to help others and to help comfort His children.
I continually think about what my role is supposed to be in all of this. I know that God has an amazing plan for our family and I am constantly searching for what I need to do to fulfill it. I am trying to be patient but I am so ready to make a difference. Until God reveals his plan for us, I am helping the hurt along the way as best as I can and trying to prepare myself so that I can be the best I can be when that time comes.
I miss my baby so very much but I know there will be so much joy and happiness in the future. I will do the best I can to carry out God's will and represent my Blake's life.
Guy: Hey! Are you tired?
Girl: No, why?
Guy: Well you should be because you have been running through my head all day!
That is how I feel some days. I think about Blake ALL of the time... sometimes to the point of exhaustion. He consumes my thoughts. I think about him when I wake up, when I am getting dressed, while driving to work, while filling prescriptions, while making dinner, when I am with friends, when going to bed, etc, etc. I think about him constantly. I just miss him. I can't help but think about what he would look like at 2 months old. How would he smile at me? What outfit would I put of him for this occasion? How would it feel to hold him and love on him while Matthew and I watch a new episode of Modern Family? How wonderfully amazing it would be to watch my nieces and nephews play with him while we cook out? I think about how different our life would be with Blake here on earth with us and how I would love to share my daily experiences with him.
I also constantly think about what my purpose is and what does God want me to do. I think about how blessed and thankful I am to have carried Blake and that God picked me to be the one to carry him so that His plan could be achieved. However, there are days when I wish I could have fulfilled it without having to lose my child... but I know there is a purpose for this and Blake's life will not go in vain. That precious baby has already changed so many lives and God is already moving me and Matthew to do things for His glory.
Two friends gave me a devotional book after the news of Blake and the devotion on January 11 (exactly one month from his birthday and his flight to heaven) really summed up for me why God gave me this trial, giving me hope for the future:
"Store up comfort. This was the prophet Isaiah's mission. The world is full of hurting and comfortless hearts. But before you will be competent for this lofty ministry, you must be trained. And your training is extremely costly, for to make it complete, you too must endure the same afflictions that are wringing countless hearts of tears and blood. Consequently, your own life becomes the hospital ward where you are taught the divine art of comfort. You will be wounded so that in the binding up of your wounds by the Great Physician, you may learn how to render first aid to the wounded everywhere. Do you wonder why you are having to experience some great sorrow? Over the next ten years you will find many others afflicted in the same way. You will tell them how you suffered and were comforted. As the story unfolds, God will apply the anesthetic He one used on you to them. Then in eager look followed by the gleam of hope that chases the shadow of despair from the soul, you know why you were afflicted. And you will bless God for the discipline that filled your life with such treasure of experience and helpfulness. God comforts us not to make us comfortable but to make us comforters."
Going through something like this lets you experience more emotions than you even know you had. I have felt joy, sadness, despair, heartache, pain, thankfulness, as well as emotions that may not even have a name yet. When I hear of other's tragedies or difficult circumstances whether it be the death of a baby, a 3 year old, a parent, or a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, or an argument with a friend... my heart is opened and I feel this need to help them. I do not know exactly what they are going through, but I can guarantee you that I have felt or am feeling one of the emotions that they are feeling. I know that even though when you are at your lowest God is right by your side. 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.' (Psalm 34:18) Because I know this firsthand, God has been tugging on my heart to help others. Even though I am not in their shoes, I have experienced one of the most difficult trials of life and I believe that God gave me this tragedy to help others and to help comfort His children.
I continually think about what my role is supposed to be in all of this. I know that God has an amazing plan for our family and I am constantly searching for what I need to do to fulfill it. I am trying to be patient but I am so ready to make a difference. Until God reveals his plan for us, I am helping the hurt along the way as best as I can and trying to prepare myself so that I can be the best I can be when that time comes.
I miss my baby so very much but I know there will be so much joy and happiness in the future. I will do the best I can to carry out God's will and represent my Blake's life.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Love.
I certainly did not expect to wake up sad on Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong... I am a sucker for a holiday. I love any reason to buy gifts or wear a 'holiday inspired outfit'... but why would I feel gloomy on this day of all holidays? This morning I woke up and glanced over at my baby's picture and my eyes welled with tears. Today is a day of love, and I did not know a special kind of love existed until I met my baby on December 11. I have a big heart. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my Jesus Christ and I love, love, LOVE my amazing husband and I love, love, LOVE my family and friends... but there is something about a mom's love for her baby. It has to be one of the most amazing gifts that God gives moms... the ability to love someone in such a large capacity... and someone that you have barely met. I am so thankful for that. I am so grateful that God let me experience that love when I met Blake. I did not see his eyes light up at me and I did not feel his little heartbeat or hear his first cry, but I still love that baby boy more than words can express. So I am a little blue today because today represents a day of expressing love to those that you love the most... and God blessed me with quite a number of folks that I certainly love with all of my heart... but the one I love the most is in His arms. Talk about love! Blake is in the arms of the Creator of Love. Of course, as a mom I would give anything for him to be in my arms today while I drink coffee and make heart-shaped pancakes but I am so thankful and at peace knowing that he is in heaven surrounded by love - God's perfect love... I picture him today as my Valentine's Day cupid (that precious dark-wavy-haired baby with wings flying around shooting me and his daddy with love arrows!) :)
1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) was read by my brother in law and pastor, Clint, in Blake's celebration on December 14. He read it with such heart and soul and it was just perfect. We wanted it read because love has been the center of this situation. Most importantly, the love for our Lord and how thankful we are that he gave us Blake, and also the love for our precious Blake, the indescribable love that has grown between me and Matthew, and the outpouring of love from our amazing family and friends. What would we do without love?
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
It has been almost 4 years since my last post. It is amazing how much has happened between now and then - I finished pharmacy school, enjoyed 4 more years of marriage, added a new pup, bought our first home and experienced the absolute greatest blessing and heartache. Life then seemed so 'grown-up', fun and yet sometimes challenging... but it is unreal how a few more years of life can make a difference.
I wanted to start back blogging a bit (ha, not like I really blogged much initially!) to record my thoughts and feelings and to see how God will work in our lives. I want to look back and be able to see my heart now, to record our 'story' and the details of it, and to watch miracles unfold before us... because I know God is going to use Blake for great things beyond our comprehension.
The name of our blog is funny: Murphy's Law. It basically means that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Matthew and I always joke that we live Murphy's Law... but we say that in humor not in negativity. Even through this time in our lives we think we are living it out - but really we know Blake was not taken from us because of our namesake but for a much greater purpose than we will know.
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I wanted to start back blogging a bit (ha, not like I really blogged much initially!) to record my thoughts and feelings and to see how God will work in our lives. I want to look back and be able to see my heart now, to record our 'story' and the details of it, and to watch miracles unfold before us... because I know God is going to use Blake for great things beyond our comprehension.
The name of our blog is funny: Murphy's Law. It basically means that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Matthew and I always joke that we live Murphy's Law... but we say that in humor not in negativity. Even through this time in our lives we think we are living it out - but really we know Blake was not taken from us because of our namesake but for a much greater purpose than we will know.
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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